Introducing a Vibrator

Introducing a vibrator into your relationship needn't be daunting.

Approach it as a newcomer, even if you've both used vibrators on your own or with others before. Just as you needed to get to know one another when you first began having sex, it may take some time to get comfortable using a vibrator together as well. Start small (literally and figuratively), and progress together from there.

Here are a few of the most common questions we're asked, accompanied by some suggestions we hope you'll find useful. Every relationship is different, so be creative and adjust as necessary to meet your needs. And if you're looking for further guidance, don't hesitate to Ask Jimmyjane.

PS – The same approach that's outlined below can easily be adapted to other desires as well…

How can I help my partner understand my interest in trying a vibrator?

Communicate. The single best way to expand and improve your sex life is always to communicate with your partner. This is particularly true when trying something new. Even if you think your partner understands intuitively, explain why you're interested so that your partner isn't left wondering. Uncertainty and worry love to fill in wherever lack of communication leaves an opening. Hearing your feelings directly is worth a thousand intuitions.

Be open. Share why you're interested. If it's because the idea turns you on, say so. If it's because you think your partner will enjoy it, and his or her enjoyment is very important to you – say that. If you feel it's important to "spice things up" – well, there's a conversation that's definitely worth having. Once you are candid about your feelings, your partner will be much more inclined to express his or her own.

Pay attention. Be sensitive to your partner's comfort level. Going a little bit outside our comfort zone can be exciting, but going too far is simply uncomfortable. If you sense hesitation or concern, ask about it, and adjust your plan accordingly.

How should I start the conversation?
If you're uncertain how to bring up the subject of vibrators, not to worry. Given that in the US, 52.5% of women and 44% of men between the ages of 18 & 60 have used a vibrator, chances very good that your partner has either tried or considered trying a vibrator. This means that while it may be a new subject for you to discuss together, it's not as foreign a concept as you might at first expect. Follow the suggestion that best fits your comfort and experience level with your partner.

Ease into it. If you want to test the waters first, try introducing other products and experiences with lower stakes into the relationship, and begin to open up the possibility of greater exploration. For many, massage is an easy way to connect. Most of our massage products have sexual uses as well, making them a great lead-in. You can even just email a link to your partner and say, "I've heard great things about these natural massage oil candles. Can I give you a massage?" You might just get an email back that says, "Sure, and how about one of these vibrators!"

Point to Oprah. Vibrators now appear regularly in mainstream press, providing ample opportunities to simply open with, "guess what I read about today?" We've even seen media icons from Oprah and Barbara Walters to Kate Moss and Mary-Louise Parker discussing vibrators, and news pieces about vibrators appear everywhere from Cosmopolitan (obviously) to the New York Times and from Fox News to Forbes.

Stumble across one. Vibrators are everywhere, so there are more opportunities than ever before to bump into one and comment. The next time you're in your local supermarket, CVS, Walgreens, Rite Aid, Target, etc., take a look next to the condoms and you'll likely find a single use Vibrating Ring – and perhaps more. Mention it to your partner, and profess your curiosity about the ring, and/or vibrators in general.

Blame it on the vernal equinox. If you're feeling fairly confident, you can give a vibrator as a gift, using a special occasion to help explain your special thoughtfulness. Valentine's Day is an obvious opportunity, but other holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and even sunny Tuesday afternoons are all good occasions to give a vibrator.

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What sort of vibrator should we start with?
Many of the same considerations we recommend for individuals introducing themselves to vibrators also apply to couples getting started.

Start simple. If vibration is a new sensation to either or both of you, you'll likely find that there's quite a bit of adventure available in that alone. Add in the excitement of being together for the experience, and you've got more than enough stimulation. Consider simple, understandable products focused on clitoral stimulation such as a Bullet, Smoothie, or External Vibrator.

Start approachable. Trying a vibrator for the first time (particularly with another person present) is an exciting but potentially daunting prospect. Consider designs that are unintimidating – smaller sizes, cleaner design and good packaging and presentation can all help. Steer away from larger sizes and anatomically representational products; they can prompt unintended comparisons.

Start beautiful. If anything should be beautiful, it's the objects involved in our sexuality. Choosing a product that's aesthetically pleasing can help make the introduction go smoothly. It communicates that your sexual experiences together are an important part of the relationship, and are worthy of care and consideration. We've heard some great success stories of LITTLE SOMETHING helping to make the conversation a positive one – who'd turn down a 24k gold vibrator?

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What about vibrator envy?
Introducing a vibrator into your relationship can easily be misinterpreted to mean that something was wrong or missing, and can cause your partner to have misgivings about this newcomer.

Understanding what your partner enjoys takes time, practice, and above all, communication. Women who masturbate and/or use vibrators often learn a great deal about what feels good for them – and are then able to share this information with their partner. A lot can be learned by simply paying attention to how your partner uses a vibrator. Take turns applying it to her body, or hold it together and let her guide your hand. Non-verbal communication like this can be a good first step to communicating more openly about preferences and desires.

It's helpful to be reminded that using a vibrator alone, and being with a partner (with or without a vibrator) are two very different experiences. Masturbating alone does not replace the desire to be with a partner – indeed, it can actually increase it.

To remove one conscious and/or subconscious concern for men, start with a vibrator that is smaller than he is. It may sound silly, but it's a simple consideration that can make a significant difference in your first experiences together.

Until you're both comfortable, use your new vibrator together so that it develops as a shared experience.

Take turns holding the vibrator, using it to show one another what feels good. Having one person hold the vibrator while the other guides their hand can be very instructive – and exciting for both of you. It also ensures that everyone remains involved and connected.

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